Make the leap — find ‘your people’ through chit-chat

“Finding my people” is a vibe many high school students describe when visiting college campuses; yet, at college, many struggle to find their people. Inside Higher Ed reported in a 2023 Thriving College Student Survey about the overlapping emotions of college life.

Around 65 percent of students feel stressed and 57 percent feel anxious, worried or overwhelmed often or all the time. At the same time, around 55 percent feel happy often or all the time.

How can students push themselves into a more positive mindset? Chit-chat is a way to break the ice to find your people.

College students are not alone when feeling lonely in a new place. The New York University blog, Meet.NYU, features student writers who share their thoughts and hurdles in adjusting to college. The 2024 article, “An Introvert’s Declassified School Survival Guide: Making Friends at NYU,” coins the phrase, “Say ‘The Thing.’” The idea is to take the leap and say “hi.” Don’t be afraid to force yourself to reach out to familiar faces from class, the library or dorm.

Although it is easy to bury your face in your phone screen while waiting in line at the bookstore or coffee shop, these default actions isolate you from noticing visual or verbal cues from those around you. Forming friendships typically begin while talking to someone.

Psychology Today published the 2023 article, “Why small talk, with almost anyone, is so rewarding: Connection is important, even with people not important to you.” It explains that people who have conversations with someone outside their friend group (weak tie) can eventually form deeper connections (strong tie).

In fact, extroverts report greater happiness on days when they had more weak interactions compared to their typical number of stronger interactions.

The book, “Creative Acts for Curious People: How to Think, Create and Lead in Unconventional Ways,” by Sarah Stein Greenberg from Stanford University, incudes a chapter on how to talk to strangers:

“I think one of the things that’s hard for us to remember is how much we don’t know that we don’t know. You can often be surprised by what you learn through a live interview or through a human connection. That is just tremendously valuable for getting past our own biases or past our own routines or habits of mind.”

Forbes featured the 2023 article, “For Wellness and Happiness, Study Shows that Conversation is Key.” It profiles a University of Kansas research study that says making friends is an investment. It takes around 40 to 60 hours of time to build a casual friendship and around 200 hours to build a close relationship.

This communications analysis details that focusing on others, more than oneself, can create a foundation of friendship and improve well-being. Listening to each other, showing care and valuing others shows support, respect and being present.

Having fun and laughter can forge friendships. The Journal of Research in Personality describes that joking around and laughing can create bonds and contribute to the well-being of each person. Shared experiences help people feel connected and a sense of belonging that affects personal and social happiness.

Pushing outside of your comfort zone or tribe can expand your friend groups. The 2022 BBC article, “Why Talking to Strangers Can Make Us Smarter,” supports why chit-chat can make us wiser and happier. Starting a conversation with a new person can be tricky, but can build social networks, community engagement and trust around us.

For example, if you see a bumper sticker on a car or a sticker on a laptop with a familiar place or symbol, this can be a natural conversation starter with a stranger. The idea of six-degrees of separation is that we are connected by six or fewer people that we mutually know. It really can be a small world!

The back-to-school buzz is the perfect time for social interactions by attending activity fairs, joining clubs and participating in study groups. Casting a wide net keeps options open if some ideas do not work out. Once you start talking and making friends, your friend group will multiply!

Communicating directly with people and through technology is not mutually exclusive. After meeting someone, keep the conversation going through social media.

Chit-chat can ignite friendships. Remember, everyone is in the same boat adjusting to a new place. It takes two people to complete a conversation.

(Margo Bartsch founded College Essay Coach, a full-service college admission business, and has been an adjunct professor in business at Champlain College and at Middlebury College.)