Diary of distance learning: Recess is long, and the teacher is mean

March 20, 2020
Dear Diary: I’m excited to teach these kids at home. How hard can it be? I made a color-coded magnetic schedule with time for reading and simultaneous snuggling, made an exercise schedule so I can work out and the kids can do P.E. at the same time, got some cool spelling board games, and researched fun ways to work math into cooking! We’ll get dressed for school every day, have a proper breakfast, and tackle this challenge with a big smile. Bring it on, distance learning!

March 24
Dear Diary: They say time flies when you’re having fun. Well, it also flies when your kid is hissing at you and pretending to be a poisonous snake while hiding under the table in a cage made out of dining room chairs. He said he wouldn’t come out until I promised that he never has to study spelling words again. Thank goodness for spell check! Otherwise, we’re still going strong. What an amazing gift we’ve been given! I laminated a handy reference page of login and password information for each kid for Google hangouts, apps, SeeSaws, Zooms, emails, Razzamataz Reading, Khan Academy, and the wealth of other online opportunities we have available to us.

March 30
Dear Diary: It’s been an interesting week. It turns out that Mrs. Jones is a good teacher not because she has a color-coded magnetic schedules but because she holds some freakish hidden knowledge about how to get a fifth-grade girl to do anything other than Tik Tok dances and spreading flour from one end of the kitchen to the other while making cupcakes. Math and baking might be a good teaching tool, but cleaning isn’t included in any category I’ve seen in the distance learning guide they sent home.

April 3
Dear Diary: Here’s a list of things I hate: trigonometry, cupcakes, tectonic plates (there are different names for different crusts?), online trumpet lessons, our internet service, and logins with passwords. What ever happened to learning in books? You didn’t need a strong signal to turn a page back in the old days! Here’s a list of things my children hate: me, cleaning up flour or really anything else, wearing clothes for fewer than six days in a row. I gave the kids extra-long recess today and they’re outside shooting water balloons with BB guns. Memories!

April 6
Dear Diary: I drunk in closet.

April 14
Dear Diary: Today I made a cage out of the dining room chairs and sat under the table hissing at anyone who came near me. I did come out to fix the WiFi and then change my direct deposit so it goes directly into Mrs. Jones’ bank account. That woman is a saint and should be sainted. Is sainting a thing? I’m going to go back in my cage with a solid dozen of these cupcakes my daughter made this morning and look it up. Let’s hope I don’t get frosting on my pajama top like I did yesterday after lunch. The kids gave me a weird look when I tried to suck it off the fabric.

April 15
Dear Diary: Those color-coded magnetic schedules are finally working! I knew they’d do the trick, eventually. Today, the kids came downstairs, sat at their assigned workstations, and finished their assignments with barely a word. June 15 isn’t too far away. We can do this!